Today I keep thinking about my dream. My dream is about my future, and what I want it to be like. My dream comes down to three things love, happiness, and peace. I believe each one goes hand in hand. I don’t want one and not the other. A while ago a friend said to me how can people expect anything to be different if they are still doing the same thing? It is funny what stays with you years after the actual moment. I think about what she said from time to time, and for the past few days I have been thinking about and frustrated by the truth of those spoken words.
First, let’s start with me. I am continually frustrated with myself for things I feel I lack. I feel that there is something really important that I lost. You know part of yourself that motivates you and gives you a reason to do what you need to do to get where you need to go…well I have lost mine. I usually refer to it as losing my mojo. It is the same boring cycle of meetings, work, meetings, and more work over and over everyday of every week. Is this really what I want to do with my life? I am not sure and that is what scares me. I am not sure of what I want to do with the rest of my life. The only thing I am sure about it that I need to get out of there and do something a little crazy, very out of the ordinary, and different from where and what I am doing. I am just really frustrated with every aspect of me. I am not very patient, I need to be more studious, I need to be kinder, and most of all I need to have confidence in me. It feels like every eye is watching me and the biggest eyes are my own. I feel like I am walking on eggshells. I know I must find or create that meaning and purpose of my life. I need to reboot myself, my life, my ideas, my values, and my mind. I just need to know this is who I am, what I want, where I want to be/go. I need to feel sure of something in my life, because as of now I feel so lost and scared about my future.
Secondly, saying all of that, my dream is to find that everlasting love that everyone always wanted, to find my own happiness and happy path in life. To welcome each morning knowing I have found my happy place, and to go to sleep smiling from that love/happiness/peace I shared with my other half and knowing it would be everlasting and worries free. I know life won’t be picture perfect, and I don’t want it to be. Perfection is deceptive, and you need imperfections to grow and appreciate what you have. I just want my story to have a mostly happily ever after. I always believe love is only the foundation of the relationship. It is essential but doesn’t stand on its own. Someone once said: "Love is content with the present, it hopes for the future and it doesn't brood over the past. It's the day-in and day-out chronicles of irritations, problems, compromises, small disappointments, big victories and common goal. If you have love in your life, it can make up for a great many things you lack. If you don't have it, not matter what else there is, it's not enough." I always compare relationships to houses. If love is the foundation then you need respect, compassion, communication, and faithfulness to build the walls. In addition, the roof must be of strong trust for it to all stay together and fight against everything life throwing at. I wish it can be that simple! I thought I have found that very special someone who understands my heart better than anyone. That person is someone who I can give my vulnerability to and knowing that I will always feel safe. That person who I build a life with filled with an abundance of laughter, love, happiness, and peace. Only time would tell… I don’t think it will be easy. Nope, it will be hard work and painful at times. But the best things in life come from hard work and the happiness should outweigh the pain.
I find life can be very overwhelming and frustrating sometime. It will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken... or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps.
I'm upset that I don’t have the means to fix everything that is broken. I’m trying to live well, to do well, and to be well but sometimes I’m overwhelmed by this world. By the situations and circumstances we end up in. By the people that surround us. By the love I have for the people in my life. I just wish I could make it all better, but I can’t. I can’t change them. I can’t control them. I can only wish I talk to them, lead by example, show them that I care and love…and keep trying hoping that one day they’ll see me for who I am and not who I was expected to be and realize that how much I love them and the last thing I would do is to suffocating them. I know I can't make someone love me. All I can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to that person to realize how much I worth to them. I’m going to smile and make this person think I'm happy, I'm going to laugh, so no one will see me cry, I'm going to let others go in style, and even if it kills me - I'm going to smile.
As I’m sitting here and thinking about a Shirley Bassey’s song that has a line that says: "A house is not a home, when there’s no one there to hold you tight”, I am longing for that everlasting love and hoping the person I loved will give me a chance to love me for who I am.
