Reflection!!!

Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.

Loving Self...

It all come down to my confidence in myself and the way I see myself. Someone close to me told me I have to love myself completely, and know without a shadow of a doubt I deserve to be loved, cherished, and I am worth it, no questions asked. Ever since that day, I have been thinking about it. I don’t want to keep finding fault with myself, hating myself for my flaws and weaknesses. No I want to love me completely, flaws and all. I want to have that confidence in myself and in my right to be happy and to have and do the things I want with my life. I want to stop doubting myself, questioning everything I do, and just let myself enjoy my life, make mistakes, and grow. I want to let go of this hold I have on myself and just be free and choose my happiness. I want to be confident in everything I do, and let the people around me feel that strength seeping from me.

"To dream anything that you want to dream. That’s the beauty of the human mind. To do anything that you want to do. That is the strength of the human will. To trust yourself to test your limits. That is the courage to succeed." - Bernard Edmonds-

I want to have that trust in myself and stop doubting my capabilities or the choices I make for my life. I want to stop criticizing myself and just believe and have faith in me. I want to love me, and have the courage to live my life the way that I have imagined. I don’t want my past to keep invading my present and blocking my future. I want to let it all go. I want to stretch myself and see how far I can and will go.

 

“Who are you to judge the life I live? I know I’m not perfect– and I don’t live to be. But before you start pointing fingers, make sure your hands are clean” –Bob Marley

This is my life, and I want to live it for me, and the way I choose to live it. I want to follow my own path, go down my own road, and not let anyone dictate that for me. I’m not any less worthy or deserving than the next person so I want to stop feeling like that. I’m not perfect and neither are they. We all have our good and bad, and I want to accept that.

“We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty.”
~Maya Angelou

I want to give myself time, patience, and encouragement to bloom in my own time, in my own season. I don’t want to rush myself to be someone different and to just take my time figuring me out, and figuring out this life. Everything is a process and I want to let myself go through it.

“I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.” – Nelson Mandela

I no longer want to strive to be fearless, but to overcome my fear. To not let my fear keep me from going after the things I desire for myself and my life. I don’t want my fear to be an excuse to not try something, go somewhere, or show people my heart. I want to be brave and take a chance. I want to triumph over every fear and worry so I can leave this life with few regrets. I want to acknowledge that the fear is there, but also make sure I don’t let it paralyze me. I want to stop being afraid to let people in, and let them hurt me. No I want to believe in the goodness of people, and that if they have earned my trust they deserve my heart. I want to follow my heart and see where it takes me. I want to know that no matter what happens I will get through it. I will overcome it. I will be better for it.

These are the desires of my heart and all of them start with the way I see myself and the love I must have for myself. This is my life and I don’t want to spend it wishing I had taken a chance or pursued that opportunity... I want to love and believe in myself and my own ability... 

Reasons to Love !!!

Comfort Zones

Those are big words. They are also the most often used/abused words in my dictionary. You would often catching me rolling it off with a careless regard oft to myself and often in generic conversations that go around the world.

Come think of it, there are many things that offer comfort in moments of insanity drives. It could be a pack of chocolates, a piece of soothing music, my favorite workspace, or the cozy comfort of an enjoyable book that often comes to rescue offering serene solitude and sweet freedom in the world of my own making. Yet, Cooing up long enough in those little spaces can make one forget the terrible purpose of being for it hinders the ability to dare and heed to the passion call to risk everything for something that we hold close to heart.
Sometimes I feel as if I am so away from my own self that it takes me a while to call for rescue. What so often made for lingering comfort couldn’t assert its existence anymore. Of all the paradoxical pursuits of life, have you ever experienced this urge to deny those little alcoves of comfort in search of something whose essence you haven’t grasped so far?

The meaning of Life?

Life is a set of puzzling and contradictory questions to me. Often cosmic, they do spring an endless debate in the mind. Does the end lie in the answer or in the engaging loop of discussions, I couldn’t figure it so far, either. Here are some of them that are so tantalizingly engrossing in occupying the mind and soul at times.

What’s the purpose of human life?
To realize one’s true potential. To be at peace with oneself, with the neighborhood and with the world at large.

Why should we realize our potential?
To be what we can really be, to test our limitations and possibilities. Sometimes I wonder how far I have come in realization of my own capabilities. I am afraid to test the limits not because I don’t have the capability, but because I fear my own unlimited endurance, potential and expanse.

Risk: Such a tantalizingly dangerous word, yet I am so used to toil it on a daily basis.
Somehow now, I could see the essence in the wish, ‘may you live everyday of your life’. Hmm… Somehow why is it that everything in life feels like a game of probabilities? May be all that I can do is give my 100%, hope for the best and prepare for worst

Self-Assurance

I never knew this simple phrase would jolt me back into this little world of mine.. Often what you take for granted is the one that requires utmost focus. Feels as if the music played on when I was napping.. Life crawled in slow finesse, whilst I slept unaware. Until.. until someone shook me up and asked who I am... Now what’s in a name? What’s in a name except for a simple attempt to frame an identity. Except for spelling that unique purpose it stands for? Hmm.. Here I am, wondering, what does it mean?

I have always taken pride in my this single strong trait of my identity. My confidence in my ability and my trust in my judgment has always been the guiding force in my life. No matter how strong the persuasiveness of life is, my spine has always been straight. What would you do when the whole world stands against you and screams against your conscience and best judgment? Whose side would you take? Would you hold on and stand for what you deem right, or would you give up yourself for the sake of acceptance? Sounds like a tough choice, isn’t it? Somehow I have always believed that One should never leave the side of oneself for the sake of anything, as long as what s/he believes it to be  true. Does this echo with you? Do tell me..

In words better described by Gall-up, which I often look up to.. "Self-Assurance is similar to self-confidence. In the deepest part of you, you have faith in your strengths. You know that you are able — able to take risks, able to meet new challenges, able to stake claims, and, most important, able to deliver. But Self-Assurance is more than just self-confidence. Blessed with the theme of Self-Assurance, you have confidence not only in your abilities but in your judgment. When you look at the world, you know that your perspective is unique and distinct. And because no one sees exactly what you see, you know that no one can make your decisions for you. No one can tell you what to think. They can guide. They can suggest. But you alone have the authority to form conclusions, make decisions, and act. This authority, this final accountability for the living of your life, does not intimidate you. On the contrary, it feels natural to you. No matter what the situation, you seem to know what the right decision is. This theme lends you an aura of certainty. Unlike many, you are not easily swayed by someone else’s arguments, no matter how persuasive they may be. This Self-Assurance may be quiet or loud, depending on your other themes, but it is solid. It is strong. Like the keel of a ship, it withstands many different pressures and keeps you on your course."

I Dream of Happiness, Love, and Peace...

Today I keep thinking about my dream. My dream is about my future, and what I want it to be like. My dream comes down to three things love, happiness, and peace. I believe each one goes hand in hand. I don’t want one and not the other. A while ago a friend said to me how can people expect anything to be different if they are still doing the same thing? It is funny what stays with you years after the actual moment. I think about what she said from time to time, and for the past few days I have been thinking about and frustrated by the truth of those spoken words.

First, let’s start with me. I am continually frustrated with myself for things I feel I lack. I feel that there is something really important that I lost. You know part of yourself that motivates you and gives you a reason to do what you need to do to get where you need to go…well I have lost mine. I usually refer to it as losing my mojo. It is the same boring cycle of meetings, work, meetings, and more work over and over everyday of every week. Is this really what I want to do with my life? I am not sure and that is what scares me. I am not sure of what I want to do with the rest of my life. The only thing I am sure about it that I need to get out of there and do something a little crazy, very out of the ordinary, and different from where and what I am doing. I am just really frustrated with every aspect of me. I am not very patient, I need to be more studious, I need to be kinder, and most of all I need to have confidence in me. It feels like every eye is watching me and the biggest eyes are my own. I feel like I am walking on eggshells. I know I must find or create that meaning and purpose of my life. I need to reboot myself, my life, my ideas, my values, and my mind. I just need to know this is who I am, what I want, where I want to be/go. I need to feel sure of something in my life, because as of now I feel so lost and scared about my future.

Secondly, saying all of that, my dream is to find that everlasting love that everyone always wanted, to find my own happiness and happy path in life. To welcome each morning knowing I have found my happy place, and to go to sleep smiling from that love/happiness/peace I shared with my other half and knowing it would be everlasting and worries free.  I know life won’t be picture perfect, and I don’t want it to be. Perfection is deceptive, and you need imperfections to grow and appreciate what you have. I just want my story to have a mostly happily ever after.  I always believe love is only the foundation of the relationship. It is essential but doesn’t stand on its own. Someone once said: "Love is content with the present, it hopes for the future and it doesn't brood over the past. It's the day-in and day-out chronicles of irritations, problems, compromises, small disappointments, big victories and common goal. If you have love in your life, it can make up for a great many things you lack. If you don't have it, not matter what else there is, it's not enough." I always compare relationships to houses. If love is the foundation then you need respect, compassion, communication, and faithfulness to build the walls. In addition, the roof must be of strong trust for it to all stay together and fight against everything life throwing at. I wish it can be that simple! I thought I have found that very special someone who understands my heart better than anyone. That person is someone who I can give my vulnerability to and knowing that I will always feel safe.  That person who I build a life with filled with an abundance of laughter, love, happiness, and peace. Only time would tell… I don’t think it will be easy. Nope, it will be hard work and painful at times. But the best things in life come from hard work and the happiness should outweigh the pain.

I find life can be very overwhelming and frustrating sometime. It will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken... or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps.  

I'm upset that I don’t have the means to fix everything that is broken. I’m trying to live well, to do well, and to be well but sometimes I’m overwhelmed by this world. By the situations and circumstances we end up in. By the people that surround us. By the love I have for the people in my life. I just wish I could make it all better, but I can’t. I can’t change them. I can’t control them. I can only wish I talk to them, lead by example, show them that I care and love…and keep trying hoping that one day they’ll see me for who I am and not who I was expected to be and realize that how much I love them and the last thing I would do is to suffocating them. I know I can't make someone love me. All I can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to that person to realize how much I worth to them. I’m going to smile and make this person think I'm happy, I'm going to laugh, so no one will see me cry, I'm going to let others go in style, and even if it kills me - I'm going to smile.

As I’m sitting here and thinking about a Shirley Bassey’s song that has a line that says: "A house is not a home, when there’s no one there to hold you tight”, I am longing for that everlasting love and hoping the person I loved will give me a chance to love me for who I am.

Random Thought

Today as I was driving in my car I started to think about my fears and worries, and then a question came into my head. Why am I afraid? Why am I so afraid of these things? Why am I afraid to make mistakes? Why am I afraid to fail? Why am I afraid to be ordinary? Why am I afraid to be hurt? Why am I afraid to be afraid? It comes down to that truth, that lives inside of me and makes me the individual that I am. No one in this world is me, but me. We are all uniquely individual and sometimes we just need that reminder to stay true to ourselves, or dreams, our happiness, and our futures. We all have a path to walk on but let it be our choices that lead us there, not the ones made for us.